Hello again. I'm sorry for my lengthy and abrupt absence from the world of blogger and the boundaries of this lovely blog.
You see, I left at a time when I felt entirely uninspired and incredibly unhappy and I've been working ever since to figure things out. I've failed multiple times, experienced things that I wish to never have to go through again, and basically have just tried to figure out who I am, where, why, how I am, and where, why, and how I'm going to my future self. Remember how often I talked of escapism in my previous posts? Remember how adamant about it I was? I think I've come to realize a few things, and that's why I left. I wanted to experiment. I didn't want to come back until I'd achieved what I'd set out to do so that I could come back and explain it all well.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Escapism is not all it's cracked up to be. Yes, it is okay to find wholesome outlets for yourself and in some cases, physically leave a situation you're in. No, it is not okay to abuse what may have been a wholesome, but is usually an unwholesome, outlet to get out of wherever you are.
Friend, I reached a point where I was desperate. I saw no value in life and turned from everything I'd believed in. I reached the breaking point, the point I almost hit before I found Owl City, and this time I had nothing to distract me. Well, nothing wholesome to distract me. It hit me the other day that I've tried so many forms of escape except the one where you actually leave. Not that leaving is all that practical, but it's the conventional form of escape.
It's a scary thing when suddenly the entire world is out to get you and the future you once looked forward to is bleak. When nothing has meaning and your life seems like one of the other billions that have existed and you've nothing unique to offer.
Clawing your way out of that is a mess, especially when you purposely lose your faith and refuse to find it again. You slip countless times and end up where I currently am: you exist and are decently happy to exist (once in a while before you lapse back into your scared, meaningless state) but you still crave to escape.
The greatest form of hell on earth is having to admit something to a friend that hurts them more than it hurts you. The saddest thing on earth is having to argue for a person's life because they no longer wish to continue the fight themself.
I'm out but not unscathed; the scars are no longer visible but that doesn't make their effect any less awful. I've only tasted the very edges of depression, skated along the edge where one begins to see how the depressed think and sympathize with how they feel and I've been affected.
Anyway, that's my (as per usual) vague update of what has happened for these last few months. Now onto my topic: escapism.
Escapism is a very romantic word. It sounds so nice and it feels so lovely for all of three seconds before you realize that it is oh so very temporary. Permanent escape doesn't exist, but you try for it all the same. You want a mental break and you are willing to take any means to achieve it. The unwholesome versions of escapism only drag you down, so please don't try them. If you're reading this little blog tucked away in a miniscule corner of the internet for the first time, or the twentieth time, I beg you, friend, to get one thing from it: don't try the unwholesome forms of escape. They will only ruin you mentally-you may get away for a minute but don't let that fool you. They suck you in more than pull you out and the mental damage done is not nearly worth the brief mental reprieve.
The more I try to push away from everything I've been taught and the more I try to discover on my own the less happy I become. That isn't all true, really. There have been some worthwhile discoveries along the way. But for the most part, the more I try to pretend that nothing exists outside of our little universe the more I feel like I am missing out. I used to have a great faith. I used to feel great moments of joy and very little remorse. I now have little faith. I now feel little joy. Somehow I can't yet go back to where I was yet. Somehow I think I must discover a little more before I settle back into my faith. That probably isn't very orthodox and it probably won't make sense to myself in a few years, but right now it seems like a good option and I'm going to take it.
I'm sick of so many parts of life but they're the parts that don't deserve to exist to begin with so it's okay. I want to be positive and I want to be better. I don't know how long this will take but I'm going to work on it. I feel as if I'm on the brink of discovery and there are mindsets I've yet to look through and actions I've yet to accomplish and I'm beginning to get excited for these possibilities.
Just when you think you've found something, a new thing destroys what you previously thought and new dimensions are opened before your eyes. Slowly I'm realizing it's an incredible world we live in and I wish for you, dear friend, and for me and for everyone I've yet to meet to discover in the best way possible. I wish that we stop our focus so much on escaping and start our focus on the things that lie beyond.
You're only as stuck as the confines of your mind force you to believe. But those confines can be stretched and broken, fear not.
P.S. Madd, Olivia, Meri. My dear friends and girls I so admire and love. I'm sorry for leaving and I hope you haven't given up on me just yet. I have a feeling I'll be talking to you all soon, but until then know that I've missed you more than I can say. Hope this post finds you well.